The program M.A.S.H. during the 70's was fraught with conflict between Major Burns and Captains Pierce and Hunnicut. Constant conflict played out in their behaviors and shenanigans. Burns never got what he wanted and Pierce and Hunnicut made sure he never got what he wanted. Behaviors were bad and they often hurt each other. Sometimes there was collateral damage and other people got hurt. Yes, it was a comedy; however, the underlying theme of conflict played out in the Korean war and between the people who served there.
I've spent many hours as a facilitator working with people in conflict. I've experienced firsthand that when people remain focused on their position, it delays, aggravates and extends good decision making. Often during positional stances, as we have seen in our country's current crisis, resolution to problems is painfully slow and can bring work to a grinding halt (the soon-to-make-history partial federal shutdown of 2013).
Resolution cannot come during positional statements. One can't reach compromise for either side by demanding without compromise. When neither party considers finding, or minimally entertaining, a middle ground, they all end up losers. Unfortunately, the human condition leans towards entrenching and hunkering down into personal positions.
All parties lose as we have seen during struggles throughout history. Frustrations mount to the point that people say some pretty awful things to each other and behave even worse. We've observed people behave in ways and sometimes feel ashamed for them. Ashamed that they haven't found the ability to see how badly they are behaving towards fellow humans like themselves. You would think that in the 21st century, we would be educated enough to work towards kinder and smarter resolutions for disagreements.
As a little Italian grandma often said to me, "Treat others the way you want to be treated." How often do we lose sight of that and forget the other person is not our enemy? Rival Tony may have a differing opinion, and, yes, that is allowed in our country. Being able to voice an opinion or need was what our founding fathers built this country around. But, really, can we find better words to voice our opinion, other than calling someone a booger butt, or words that portray much uglier human emotions? Seriously, you want to burn that other person's home down? What does that accomplish besides creating a lot more anger, along with that sickly smokey stinky smell that you get from a burnt down building? Plus, it really destroys the scenery that one prizes so much.
Alfie Kohn eloquently argues that our struggle to defeat each other -- at work, at school, at play, and at home -- turns all of us into losers. We've seen it on the playground as kids. Someone always loses. Can we start playing nicer in the worlds playground? Can't we find a middle ground so no one loses? Is it possible?
Today, because of being furloughed from my job, because people can't find a way to cooperate, I made three phone calls: One to a kind housekeeper that I don't pay a lot, but who makes my work and home life easier; another to my hairdresser who is getting married soon and depends on my business; and another to stop a retirement savings deduction I make to help in my elder years. I have a few more phone calls to make, and oh, yeah, my visit to see my parents in Texas...no store-bought mementos this time. So, Texas, you lose, too. It's very sad.
No one wins.
W. Edwards Deming, an organizational development guru in the early 1900's, stated, "Stop fighting for a bigger piece of the pie. Instead cooperate to make the pie bigger. Then everybody wins."
How do we do that?
I've spent many hours as a facilitator working with people in conflict. I've experienced firsthand that when people remain focused on their position, it delays, aggravates and extends good decision making. Often during positional stances, as we have seen in our country's current crisis, resolution to problems is painfully slow and can bring work to a grinding halt (the soon-to-make-history partial federal shutdown of 2013).
Resolution cannot come during positional statements. One can't reach compromise for either side by demanding without compromise. When neither party considers finding, or minimally entertaining, a middle ground, they all end up losers. Unfortunately, the human condition leans towards entrenching and hunkering down into personal positions.
All parties lose as we have seen during struggles throughout history. Frustrations mount to the point that people say some pretty awful things to each other and behave even worse. We've observed people behave in ways and sometimes feel ashamed for them. Ashamed that they haven't found the ability to see how badly they are behaving towards fellow humans like themselves. You would think that in the 21st century, we would be educated enough to work towards kinder and smarter resolutions for disagreements.
As a little Italian grandma often said to me, "Treat others the way you want to be treated." How often do we lose sight of that and forget the other person is not our enemy? Rival Tony may have a differing opinion, and, yes, that is allowed in our country. Being able to voice an opinion or need was what our founding fathers built this country around. But, really, can we find better words to voice our opinion, other than calling someone a booger butt, or words that portray much uglier human emotions? Seriously, you want to burn that other person's home down? What does that accomplish besides creating a lot more anger, along with that sickly smokey stinky smell that you get from a burnt down building? Plus, it really destroys the scenery that one prizes so much.
Alfie Kohn eloquently argues that our struggle to defeat each other -- at work, at school, at play, and at home -- turns all of us into losers. We've seen it on the playground as kids. Someone always loses. Can we start playing nicer in the worlds playground? Can't we find a middle ground so no one loses? Is it possible?
Today, because of being furloughed from my job, because people can't find a way to cooperate, I made three phone calls: One to a kind housekeeper that I don't pay a lot, but who makes my work and home life easier; another to my hairdresser who is getting married soon and depends on my business; and another to stop a retirement savings deduction I make to help in my elder years. I have a few more phone calls to make, and oh, yeah, my visit to see my parents in Texas...no store-bought mementos this time. So, Texas, you lose, too. It's very sad.
No one wins.
W. Edwards Deming, an organizational development guru in the early 1900's, stated, "Stop fighting for a bigger piece of the pie. Instead cooperate to make the pie bigger. Then everybody wins."
How do we do that?
- Stop calling names and get off the position train. You have said what you want 500 different ways. Realize you aren't saying anything new. Stop. You are repeating yourself. Enough said!
- Settle down, have a cup of coffee with the person you need to strike a deal with. Realize they are people just like you with families, friends, dogs, rabbits and maybe even a few chickens. Someone likes them, maybe you should.
- Realize you have differing opinions.
- Put them on the table.
- Brainstorm the pros and cons.
- Call in an impartial someone to help if you need to. Lots of us like to help. And here is the big one:
- Find a way you can both live with, what will get you to yes.
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